The thing about…

being an only child is you learn to cry alone and wipe off your own tears and snot.You don’t go sobbing to a big brother or complain to your little sister about what she doesn’t have to go through – yet. I think you don’t expect protection and instead you learn to give it. Nobody wants to hear you complain – you suck it up. That’s the mentality that you learn as the only kid. You’re responsible and you take care of your parents because there simply isn’t anyone else to do it. You live and learn to rely on yourself, and it toughens and hardens you. You’re out there flying solo.

Even when you get older, you have that compelling need to take care of people but at the same time, remain independent. When your parents aren’t around, you gotta take care of yourself but there’s always an empty feeling and maybe it’s a human thing. So you somehow try to fill that void by caring for those around you. Your friends become your extended family in a way, well you try at least.

 

Here I am.. at the crossroads of nowhere

So goes my days. When I sleep, I don’t want to wake up. When I’m not sleeping, I’m developing stomach ulcers, drink coffee like it’s a life-saving elixir, doing too much thinking, and trying to stay focused and awake enough to write essays. It’s all I can do to keep my thoughts straight. If you say I shouldn’t worry so much, well it’d be a lie if I didn’t. I worry for us all. I really wish, we could all just go to medical school and be where we want to be in our lives, living the life we choose to live, and just find happiness – even if we have to work hard for it, and there’s moments when the path isn’t clear… one day, will we all be able to find that for ourselves? I really wish… that we can. And if I could do anything to protect that hope and happiness for others, I really want to be there to protect it with everything I have to give.

Leave Me – 3 Min Film

It would be nice if things in life wasn’t so fleeting sometimes. I believe that it is because things are momentary, that time moves us along, that is what makes some moments so precious to us. Beauty and ugliness never lasts forever, it takes its turn at its seasons. Is there a moment you want to always live in? I have too many. I tend to dwell in the past – too much for my own good – I really hate saying goodbyes. I really do. In life, I wish we could always be connected to one another and we should never lose each other. But I find that more and more often, life isn’t kind to that. Natural circumstances, people will drift apart. I think back… I don’t often cry very much anymore. But that night he passed away… I couldn’t really cry either. Until it just suddenly came to me. I don’t know, I think I was crying for a lot of reasons. Maybe I was sad that so many of us… if any one of us that I know should just turn and leave forever, I could never truly part with them. It was because we lost him so quickly … that I know many of us would part and we would never really come across each other’s thoughts anymore. And one day, we could vanish from this world, and people will forget. I don’t want to forget. Maybe it’s also, selfishly,… that I also don’t want to be forgotten. It’s lonely otherwise… that is why in all that I do, I don’t think about it so much because all I want is there to be a warmth… we’re human beings afterall – why can’t we just care about each other? Why do we resist and question each other when it’s so simple? It’s not that I want something back … it’s really enough if I can give a myself to someone else and if they in turn show that kind of kindness to someone they really love – it’s okay that I will be happy with that. I want to do something that would make that person smile – eight years is a long time… I don’t want to lose it – I never did. Yet – if in these eight years I wasn’t able to do it, I don’t think I will be able to.

This is the reason I always do things and act without thinking too much. I just do what my heart tells me to do. In the long run, my impulse to do something and my stubbornness to adhere to what I have decided is unrelenting. And I don’t know if that is a good thing, especially when reality isn’t aligned with my own ideals.

I guess I just feel a little lost right now. I just know I will really cry when I see my exam score. If I sit down and think about it for one moment longer, I just won’t know what to do.

 

No boundaries.

I have a disliking for boundaries – therefore people who create boundaries egotistically I tend not to favor.

Why do I always have a tendency to feel like I have to make a statement about something I read haphazardly sometimes? It’s kind of an annoying quality because it’s not like I do it often enough (nor at the advantageous times) outside of my own cupboard of stale thoughts. Lame me.

So I don’t exactly approve of people who place emphasis on the other way around things. i.e. using phrases like I’m so proud this kind of music is from such and such country. Bah! What does that even mean? I support recognizing where types of music come from, how it’s influenced, how it came to be – that’s intriguing. But when some take it a musician and their work out of context, to use it for promoting the greatness of some society-driven egoist view, boundaries are drawn rather than expanded. Music is not about that – it’s the other way around. It’s about transcending lines of separation and reaching the heart. Whether it’s in a small café, huge outdoor stage to millions, to be able to reach one person is already enough.

 

October 12 | 2010

I find I am a distanced person. Hard to get to know, someone who is far from easy to be with – on many and perhaps, all levels. Which I think may be why some people would wonder how I could think of medicine as an art of being with people. The hardest part in myself is trying to find who I am… and to this day, I am never so sure. Everyone I meet I feel like gives me a different way of looking at things and I realize all over again, how I’m still piecing myself together.

If I feel like analyzing myself, I could probably do it but I think I’m quickly tiring of that. I find that I run in circles as do my thoughts and emotions. Perhaps more than anything, that is why I’ve wanted someone, anyone to find me and explain to me what it is I am searching for in myself. Perhaps. But of course, most of the times I stay silent and just internalize whatever it is I am thinking or feeling. Why do I do that?

A thought that keeps lingering in my mind is the question, why can’t I speak my mind? Why do I feel like my opinions don’t matter as much as someone else’s? Why do I always stay silent and flounder when I’m asked what I think? Am I in the end, just a hypocrite? That in the end, I care very much how others think of me, how others perceive me? I like to think not yet why is it I hesitate every time I think of something? I doubt the worthiness of my words but still, what would it matter if I didn’t care at all what others would think?

I draw a blank when I’m asked to talk about myself. I much rather listen than talk; it’s always been like that and I used to think that wasn’t such a bad thing. But now.. I’m not sure if that’s always the best thing. I don’t open up to many people – even the people that are closest to me, I keep at a distance even if I never meant to do so. Somehow, I always manage to dodge the questions, or simplify my answers, to cover for what’s really on my mind, to escape in general. Perhaps it’s this arrogance in me that tries to justify this distance I’ve placed between myself and others. Arguing that they may not be looking hard enough for me… perhaps I’m just silently wishing that someone would ask the probing questions, someone would dig deeper and unravel someone even I didn’t know exist? Someone better than who I am now. Perhaps I’m just full of idiocies and nonexistent dreams.

But perhaps what someone’s told me is true, not in the most literal sense. At the time, I just pulled whatever was handy as reason. Of course, if someone thought that was the only thing I was concerned with, then they probably oversimplified me. Then again, I am my own defendant so none of this may make sense, only if in my mind. However, the advice for me if I remember correctly was to discern what I wanted and then anything else other than it, were just merely distractions. There is wisdom in that advice… I keep thinking about it. But somehow, I feel like I am swimming against a current, that sometimes it’s not so simple as that. Even if it was, it doesn’t always feel so easy and clear cut. Regardless what I think, it’s honest advice, probably one I should strive to do.

Maybe simplicity is something I should consider in my life.

 

September 17 | 2010 :: Day _Blank_ of the Never Ending Days

I’ve said I would keep a better journal these days… whether it be online or by hand in a journal. I need to keep my promises better but it is very difficult to do. There aren’t enough hours in a day.

There’s been a lot on my mind. Really though, that’s not all true. There’s a lot but also a lot that’s been put to the back burner. I haven’t had a chance to sit down and think about – myself. And that’s probably because that’s where the trouble begins. I’m constantly tired but still, I haven’t tired of what I am aiming for. I really believe in doing attaining what I’ve set out to do. I’m not ready to change my mind about this; anything else, I am always so open to absorbing whatever, it is almost a bad thing.

More and more so, I feel like I’m almost too open – that it makes me such a blank slate that I have no standpoint to back. There are certain things I believe in very strongly but then there are many times when things don’t really strike me as so out of the ordinary. It’s funny that maybe in a sense I’m sometimes such a pessimist that there’s less things that rattle my nerves.

My thoughts like to ramble and that is a habit I should break. Still this won’t be the place to do it I think.

There’s one thing that’s been on my mind. Something that is endearing that I would like to believe in. I often wonder how much I can trust this person. Whether I would really be willing to risk everything in the end. Is it cruel if I decide otherwise? Even when I don’t know myself well enough to answer my own questions, am I avoiding it? Regardless, should I choose the more defined route no matter what I feel? Is it really so selfish to want to keep someone by your side even when you know you may be hurting them?

Today was only my second day volunteering at one of the hospitals in Chicago. It is, in some ways, very different from all the other volunteering I have done. There’s a lot of different kinds of people, both patients, nurses, residents, and doctors. The emergency room is a crazy place. It is overwhelming because everybody in there needs something. No matter what, they need attention. It is really almost like dealing with children; everyone is tugging at your sleeves. I advocate one on one patient care every step of the way. I believed it to be a necessary part of medical care but it is not so easy to achieve.

In these two short days I’ve been at the hospital, it offers a interesting perspective. Most of the time, I’m just overwhelmed by the variety of things and people you see pass through the emergency room, especially in a big city. It rattles my nerves sometimes still, that these people come in to be taken care of, strangers to you and putting the case into perspective, you become a part of their life story. In fact, there’s cases where you find that you are at the end of the line, you assume the role of the sole protector of preserving that person’s story. There is an immense pressure to not fail at that point in time. But I also realize, at that point in time there’s also an immense drive within to take this into your hands, and ensure you can do everything for another person. That is what you want to grasp and hold onto. It doesn’t matter the doubt anymore… I just think “fuck nature, the thing about letting nature take its course, screw it I don’t care about it; I want to work against it because I am human too. I just can’t stand by and watch this life disappear”.

I feel out of this world sometimes when I’m alone. I feel like everything’s pointless, to the point where to hell with it, why not then just focus on being able to make someone else’s life worthwhile. No, being a medical doctor won’t mean putting all the puzzle pieces in place. You don’t even begin to right the wrongs of the world. It’s nowhere like that. Healing one person, much less volunteering once a week means nothing in the overall equations of the universe. What would the universe ever care about one human life amongst the uncountable start and end instances that occur in a universe within a minuscule hundredth of a second? But if it’s so pointless, is it so wrong to want to love something, create something lasting albeit ephemeral in our existence? Fleeting yet…

Today was my first experience of coding in a hospital setting. The only other time I saw it was in high school during a event National Honor Society was putting on for seniors at our school. But it was surreal at that time and I can remember that I was kind of mad I wasn’t the one who reacted and was able to give CPR. It was a feeling of helplessness.

In emergency medicine, everyone you meet begins as a stranger. You think about how you could have pass them by on the subway earlier…

 

City Lights

The city lights at night are great. They are my comfort, in knowing someone’s contemplating the night away same as I makes me feel less alone. It doesn’t have to be someone you know, just a stranger across the street with their lights on can remind me that you’re in the company of others.

 

Qualms about restarting the Journey for Med School…

It’s already approaching the middle of August; I can’t believe how fast time is passing us.

We’re mostly settled in Chicago now. The move-in was quite hectic and hasn’t been an entirely smooth sailing settling in. On my parents’ part, they never have liked Chicago and it seems that they won’t grow to like it either – which makes me feel even more guilty about having to drag them here because of me. I like to think that I’m going to continue not to give up on medicine because this is what I have my heart set on but in the end, this means everything that my parents have given up for me. I really am indebted over and over again. Right now, I admit I hate to think about it because I feel like it’s long overdue that it’s my turn to be relied on, that I should be working and earning money to support them. In fact, I’m draining away like 95% of all the household’s expenses. Lovely. I suppose these are the perks of being a spoiled only child.

Still, do I think it’s worth it? I like to think that one day, I can take what I’ve learned and done here and do something worthwhile with it. At that point, will my parents finally be proud of all they have given up? I hope so.

 

July 27 | 2010

There will always be places I wish to go. Whether those places be in my heart or elsewhere in the world. Always people who I wish weren’t strangers, people I can meet, and also people I’ve known for a long while that I wish I could stay with for a even longer while. There’s also myself that needs to be sorted out.

I’ve prided myself on being able to be independent, handle the life of a dependable person but one who does not have to depend on others. But maybe once in a while, it’s not such a good trait and I have to admit I wish that facade would fade away. Not often, just sometimes. Maybe one of those times, I’ll write about it.

I have been reading Six Months in Sudan for a while now. I have only managed to read a few short chapters every night. I seem to gain new insight from every bit. Something a little different every time but always, always – I come back to the thought that this kind of work is the work I want to do in my life. It’s not simply on a to-do list anymore, it feels like there’s something pulling me towards that part of the world, that kind of living. Maybe in a way, it’s to see with curiosity what it is like doing medical work in a remote place in the world. It is something I need to see and feel with my own senses. There’s more to it I’m sure, but I’m still sorting out the reason why myself… I’ll figure it out.

I think optimism is a needed thing, as is determination and the ability to think that something is possible. When you go into a field like medicine, you know you can’t win every battle. In your hands, it’s possible to lose everything. Death may not touch you so readily but instead, there’s something else that slowly gnaws at your heart when you look at a losing a battle and still choose to fight to its end. I think surrounded in this kind of reality, not just optimism but an incredible sense of believing in, not the possibility of a miracle, but the possibility itself is needed.

A final note tonight is that I should try to keep up with this blog a little better. I always feel like I have to edit what I write but maybe I just tend to take things too seriously. I like long drawn out conversations so I tend to do it in writing too. That is also a really bad habit.

So in short (not), I hope to free the restraints on my writing and keep up with it more often.

 

On Pretentiousness

There’s probably a list of things I dislike somewhere in my mind that occasionally gets lengthened. But of all the things on that list, pretentiousness is one of the things I hate. The lack of honesty and the inability to speak one’s mind for what it truly thinks is irksome and an annoyance. For what purpose is your worth if you feel the need to please others’ appetites, compete for the better image? One of the most worthless things is to pursue something of such unimportance. If one feels they can only achieve worth in the eyes of others, then for as long as they strive to meet those expectations, they will surely falter and lose their own self-worth.

Another thing I highly disapprove of is the frowning down on one’s own culture. For example, for families who are clearly Chinese, why do these people bring up their children with a rich English vocabulary, flaunting it at every place they possibly can, while hardly able to string together the most basic sentence in their own native language? I do not see what good that can possibly have on the children, especially in the more and more interconnected world we live in today. It is senseless to be stuck with one language when easily, the kids could have mastered two. I see this especially often in the Chinese society.

For example, today I came across a father and his two sons who spoke, for the most part, English except for the occasional few randomly mixed in Mandarin words. Manglish or Chinglish (a derogatory term to the person using it I think), I suppose? The two brothers were trying to explain and describe to their father the kind of tart he had previously brought home.  They really wanted to eat it again. From their description, it was obvious they were referring to the infamous “feng li shu” (Taiwanese pineapple tarts) But alas, how ironic that the father could not understand the very Taiwanese cultural dessert snack they were trying to describe with the English their father had insisted on teaching them and using in the household. How very ironic. I almost laughed out of bitterness and pity I felt. A person of Asian descent painstakingly trying to describe an Asian delicacy, if you will, without avail from the lack of knowing the language of their homeland. Pitiful really.

In this world, there will always be all kind of differences in people. At the end of the day, we’re all the same. But before then, it is quite interesting to examine all the peculiarities we, as a human race, possess.

 

May 5 | 2010

It’s harder than I thought to live life as you want to live it. To be able to live as you imagine – well, if you’re able to fulfill that, you should be very grateful.

I wonder if I will ever be able to do that. Growing up, I’ve had a good many memories that I smile about when I look back. Life was much easier then than it’ll ever be as an adult. Growing up is really about losing the innocence and buying into a reality that swallows you whole without any reserves. It would be pathetic to say that the best times were the ones of high school, yet it is in so many ways. Because all you had to do was look ahead, the world was small, and even in the worse of it, all you had to do was blame it on the “age of transition.” There’s no burden yet. But it’s a sense of nostalgia you shouldn’t linger in for too long. Because then the thought of never being able to return grabs hold of you, and you start to run in circles.

Really, society really is a cage. Do we want to really break free of it? Everywhere, humans set certain boundaries: to mark their comfort zones, to make sure this is personal space, to protect oneself. There’s rules, regulations, and constraints inherent in the human mind. We understand more of these as we grow older and we’re less inclined to fight it as well.

There’s so many people right here in our little place called Earth that I look up to. It’s amazing, the commonplace ordinary people, also the people’s whose lives have been less than ordinary. Everyone’s different but the inherent thing I look for is being able to trust in others and endure. To believe and hold on, clinging to the fragile life humans lead is one of the most important things of all. If you’re not passionate and desperate enough to chase after it, your life becomes dull and meaningless. You must find something you want to say to the world. It doesn’t have to be something important to everyone, it just has to be important enough for you. That’s why this inherent “need” to hold on, to find salvation perhaps, is possible in anyone.

In this world, there’s not many people who’ll be known by more than half the population of a country perhaps. So what you do is care for the people around you, the ideals close to your heart.