Where the Wild Things Are

Well, it has most definitely been a while since I last wrote (which is always the case). But I figure that I really needed to properly write something since things have more or less happened.

It is definitely still quite surreal to me that I have been accepted into medical school. To be honest, I had my doubts about whether it would be possible in my lifetime and I’ve told many people this but even though I have a long ways to go yet, I’m certain this is the life I want to have … probably one of those double edged swords that I’ll always have a long ways to go in medicine but… in the end, however hard it will be, I hope I will look back and always know that I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way in my life. And that will be enough.

A lot of people have walked in and out of my life and I just read something about how that must be a frequent experience for those in their 20′s. I don’t know because I feel like it’s always been the case for me. It’s always been the case except for one person. And honestly, I don’t know what to say, feel, or do still — sometimes I can lose myself in someone or something so much that it completely consumes me. I would say that I’m the kind of person that focuses on one task or person at a time but in that time, they have my full attention and I try to give everything I’ve got. Then I guess people move on and I learn to move on some time later after wondering how the hell do I feel the way I do and what for?

At any rate, will write again (soon hopefully)… I have got to finish writing the introduction to our research paper. I hate that I’m being a complete slacker on it.

 

Running on Empty

I just don’t feel like doing this anymore. I’m tired, I’m upset with myself because I don’t really know what happened along the way. I just couldn’t do it – I can point out where I went wrong so clearly sometimes that it’s just painful. Even if I couldn’t have known this is what would have happened if I hadn’t tried, even if that is the case, I cannot help but wonder if I have just come to regret it all.

In my life, the only thing I have perhaps not run away from is trying to achieve what I envision I could do for others. Maybe I lost sight of the big picture in the end, maybe I lost to myself, maybe I just gave up before I saw the end come into reality. And here I am, unable to forgive myself for going wrong. So many little missteps that add up and in the end, I cannot clear this hurdle nor reach the top of the mountain I had sworn to overtake. My promise to my friend, that I can’t really write about now.. it’s because my promise are empty words. I have broken my promise to him. Most of all, to myself.

It was a test of my ability, of my commitment, my endurance and stamina for what was my dream. I’ve failed this test and though I feel as if given the chance, I could make it… I couldn’t meet the standards even. I couldn’t make it even with everyone’s support, everything given to me, all the advantages.

I have scorned romance in favor of believing I could make up for these sacrifices in my career. Now I have nothing left to show for my sacrifices. It’s so meaningless now.

For some reason, tonight words don’t even describe the sense of loss, of desperation and can’t even find the right words for what I feel these past few days. I’m just running on empty.

 

The thing about…

being an only child is you learn to cry alone and wipe off your own tears and snot.You don’t go sobbing to a big brother or complain to your little sister about what she doesn’t have to go through – yet. I think you don’t expect protection and instead you learn to give it. Nobody wants to hear you complain – you suck it up. That’s the mentality that you learn as the only kid. You’re responsible and you take care of your parents because there simply isn’t anyone else to do it. You live and learn to rely on yourself, and it toughens and hardens you. You’re out there flying solo.

Even when you get older, you have that compelling need to take care of people but at the same time, remain independent. When your parents aren’t around, you gotta take care of yourself but there’s always an empty feeling and maybe it’s a human thing. So you somehow try to fill that void by caring for those around you. Your friends become your extended family in a way, well you try at least.

 

Here I am.. at the crossroads of nowhere

So goes my days. When I sleep, I don’t want to wake up. When I’m not sleeping, I’m developing stomach ulcers, drink coffee like it’s a life-saving elixir, doing too much thinking, and trying to stay focused and awake enough to write essays. It’s all I can do to keep my thoughts straight. If you say I shouldn’t worry so much, well it’d be a lie if I didn’t. I worry for us all. I really wish, we could all just go to medical school and be where we want to be in our lives, living the life we choose to live, and just find happiness – even if we have to work hard for it, and there’s moments when the path isn’t clear… one day, will we all be able to find that for ourselves? I really wish… that we can. And if I could do anything to protect that hope and happiness for others, I really want to be there to protect it with everything I have to give.

Leave Me – 3 Min Film

It would be nice if things in life wasn’t so fleeting sometimes. I believe that it is because things are momentary, that time moves us along, that is what makes some moments so precious to us. Beauty and ugliness never lasts forever, it takes its turn at its seasons. Is there a moment you want to always live in? I have too many. I tend to dwell in the past – too much for my own good – I really hate saying goodbyes. I really do. In life, I wish we could always be connected to one another and we should never lose each other. But I find that more and more often, life isn’t kind to that. Natural circumstances, people will drift apart. I think back… I don’t often cry very much anymore. But that night he passed away… I couldn’t really cry either. Until it just suddenly came to me. I don’t know, I think I was crying for a lot of reasons. Maybe I was sad that so many of us… if any one of us that I know should just turn and leave forever, I could never truly part with them. It was because we lost him so quickly … that I know many of us would part and we would never really come across each other’s thoughts anymore. And one day, we could vanish from this world, and people will forget. I don’t want to forget. Maybe it’s also, selfishly,… that I also don’t want to be forgotten. It’s lonely otherwise… that is why in all that I do, I don’t think about it so much because all I want is there to be a warmth… we’re human beings afterall – why can’t we just care about each other? Why do we resist and question each other when it’s so simple? It’s not that I want something back … it’s really enough if I can give a myself to someone else and if they in turn show that kind of kindness to someone they really love – it’s okay that I will be happy with that. I want to do something that would make that person smile – eight years is a long time… I don’t want to lose it – I never did. Yet – if in these eight years I wasn’t able to do it, I don’t think I will be able to.

This is the reason I always do things and act without thinking too much. I just do what my heart tells me to do. In the long run, my impulse to do something and my stubbornness to adhere to what I have decided is unrelenting. And I don’t know if that is a good thing, especially when reality isn’t aligned with my own ideals.

I guess I just feel a little lost right now. I just know I will really cry when I see my exam score. If I sit down and think about it for one moment longer, I just won’t know what to do.

 

How many more times…

… do I have to deal with mid-life crises? Or getting that ever-sinking feeling about the future? I really would like to be free of that. I can do anything I set my mind on – I can work hard for it but worrying about what’s next, what’s ahead – that kind of thinking weighs constantly on me.

I am focused on what I want to do in life, as a career and as a passion I can devote my whole life to. In my personal life, however, I don’t know if I have given much thought – or actually I have but I don’t really allow myself to stray too far into situations that are not realistic. And I grow half-hearted at pursuing it, even if to be honest I am deeply passionate about the people I choose to keep by my side. I guess I just don’t show it enough and I brush it off as nothing. As if I can lose it and not really care.

I find.. that in life, there’s certain people you meet that you just want to protect. I think.. having that is an important part of life. It grounds you and it’s this desire to see the greater picture beyond myself that gives me the greatest happiness. I don’t really need anything else in life if I can I just make someone else smile for me. I am that way with a lot of people, even if my desire to do so never really quite comes across on the surface and somehow the things I do – perhaps it’s my cold outward demeanor – probably don’t reach people in the way I intended.

I really didn’t mean to stress you out, you know. I just don’t know what to do sometimes, with everything, and I don’t know who to turn to.

 

All I need in life right now ..

.. is to be doing what I love.

Before I get there though, I’ll have to make do with the simpler joys of everyday life.

I realize that I really like maps. I think someday I’m going to take all the maps I’ve collected so far and make something out of them. Maybe a coat, or a suit … or wait! A suitcase – a traveling suitcase that can tell you how to get where you want to be! Wouldn’t that be oh so cool…

I also like X-acto blades – I think I’m a person of precision. Haha. I really like those exact edges and cutting out pictures or papers or making cards that have peepholes in them. I am also infatuated with its use in editing comics. I think cutting out those finished panels to be rearranged in final form is the best ever.

I also like mint a lot. I like it’s color – the color of envy and coolness. I like that the color of envy can be a pretty color. Haha, at least that’s what I like to think since envy is sometimes hard to separate form my thoughts – but I see it more as reverence for something. I don’t ever envy something I don’t hold in high regards besides.

But ah yes, mint is a great thing. Especially in my coffee with soy milk. It’s delicious.

I also enjoy old-fashioned things. Handwritten letters, handwritten notes, datebooks over palm pilot organizers, heck even paper based tests over CBTs.

… enough babbling for one day.

 

In the middle of summer

I wish I could write more often – and I wish I could write well.

These days though I shouldn’t complain since medical school secondaries are slowly seeping into my inbox. I got what I wished for, so why am I avoiding this opportunity to write? Well, the answer is a bit pathetic but easy enough. I’ve never been more discouraged and afraid in my life I think, though I know this is what I want – I’m really not that strong to be able to maintain a optimistic outlook and say “I’m ready for the challenge, anytime anywhere.” So instead I try to escape and just make my mind go blank. I basically live in denial. I’ve since realized that this is a terribly bad habit that I really need to change and stop procrastinating. I have no trouble laying out advice or motivational plans for other people (most of the time and even then, maybe I’m being a little bit full of myself when I pretend that my reasonings are logical and helpful to others) but when it comes to myself, I just fall a little apart.

But enough is enough. I’ve got to do this and I’ve got to do it right. It’s no use complaining all the time and the only thing I can change and do is to change myself and the attitude I approach this with.

It’s also funny how I’ve since reevaluated what it means to push away everyone and proudly say “I’m fine on my own, I’m okay with being alone for the rest of my life.” Maybe I’m reading wayyy too much romantic Japanese comics and it’s taken a toll on my stupid hopeless romantic kind of thinking. But you know, would it really be so bad to fall in love even if it hurts in the process? I’m not sure because I’ve always thought if you don’t put yourself out there, you can’t gain but you can’t lose either. So at least there’s no pain involved. You won’t have to be disappointed and you won’t regret or long for memories that you can’t have again because they were never made to begin with. That’s the thing. I’m being delusional! I should really be focusing on my studies and my one goal in life. So what am I doing thinking?!

 

 

 

The journey is as tough as it’s going to be.

There’s a lot of things I rather not give up but it’s strange how much your goals test you. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. I rarely do but I think regardless, I cannot do anything to change the way things are right now so I think leaving it be is easiest. It’s true that maybe I’m not facing the problem at hand but I don’t know how else to face it at this moment.

All I know at this moment is what I want at this point in life – and that is to believe in the path I’ve chosen over and over again. This is the only time and chance I have at this so whatever I give up now.. I hope you can forgive me. I may be abandoning something that’s very dear to me but I hope that in doing so, I am achieving something greater and better – for the both of us. It is the only way.

 

 

September 17 | 2010 :: Day _Blank_ of the Never Ending Days

I’ve said I would keep a better journal these days… whether it be online or by hand in a journal. I need to keep my promises better but it is very difficult to do. There aren’t enough hours in a day.

There’s been a lot on my mind. Really though, that’s not all true. There’s a lot but also a lot that’s been put to the back burner. I haven’t had a chance to sit down and think about – myself. And that’s probably because that’s where the trouble begins. I’m constantly tired but still, I haven’t tired of what I am aiming for. I really believe in doing attaining what I’ve set out to do. I’m not ready to change my mind about this; anything else, I am always so open to absorbing whatever, it is almost a bad thing.

More and more so, I feel like I’m almost too open – that it makes me such a blank slate that I have no standpoint to back. There are certain things I believe in very strongly but then there are many times when things don’t really strike me as so out of the ordinary. It’s funny that maybe in a sense I’m sometimes such a pessimist that there’s less things that rattle my nerves.

My thoughts like to ramble and that is a habit I should break. Still this won’t be the place to do it I think.

There’s one thing that’s been on my mind. Something that is endearing that I would like to believe in. I often wonder how much I can trust this person. Whether I would really be willing to risk everything in the end. Is it cruel if I decide otherwise? Even when I don’t know myself well enough to answer my own questions, am I avoiding it? Regardless, should I choose the more defined route no matter what I feel? Is it really so selfish to want to keep someone by your side even when you know you may be hurting them?

Today was only my second day volunteering at one of the hospitals in Chicago. It is, in some ways, very different from all the other volunteering I have done. There’s a lot of different kinds of people, both patients, nurses, residents, and doctors. The emergency room is a crazy place. It is overwhelming because everybody in there needs something. No matter what, they need attention. It is really almost like dealing with children; everyone is tugging at your sleeves. I advocate one on one patient care every step of the way. I believed it to be a necessary part of medical care but it is not so easy to achieve.

In these two short days I’ve been at the hospital, it offers a interesting perspective. Most of the time, I’m just overwhelmed by the variety of things and people you see pass through the emergency room, especially in a big city. It rattles my nerves sometimes still, that these people come in to be taken care of, strangers to you and putting the case into perspective, you become a part of their life story. In fact, there’s cases where you find that you are at the end of the line, you assume the role of the sole protector of preserving that person’s story. There is an immense pressure to not fail at that point in time. But I also realize, at that point in time there’s also an immense drive within to take this into your hands, and ensure you can do everything for another person. That is what you want to grasp and hold onto. It doesn’t matter the doubt anymore… I just think “fuck nature, the thing about letting nature take its course, screw it I don’t care about it; I want to work against it because I am human too. I just can’t stand by and watch this life disappear”.

I feel out of this world sometimes when I’m alone. I feel like everything’s pointless, to the point where to hell with it, why not then just focus on being able to make someone else’s life worthwhile. No, being a medical doctor won’t mean putting all the puzzle pieces in place. You don’t even begin to right the wrongs of the world. It’s nowhere like that. Healing one person, much less volunteering once a week means nothing in the overall equations of the universe. What would the universe ever care about one human life amongst the uncountable start and end instances that occur in a universe within a minuscule hundredth of a second? But if it’s so pointless, is it so wrong to want to love something, create something lasting albeit ephemeral in our existence? Fleeting yet…

Today was my first experience of coding in a hospital setting. The only other time I saw it was in high school during a event National Honor Society was putting on for seniors at our school. But it was surreal at that time and I can remember that I was kind of mad I wasn’t the one who reacted and was able to give CPR. It was a feeling of helplessness.

In emergency medicine, everyone you meet begins as a stranger. You think about how you could have pass them by on the subway earlier…

 

August 26 | 2010

Everything the past week had gone well with Dad’s cataract surgery and Mom’s dental check-up. I was reminded of the wonderful wonderful people at St. Jo’s. They are people with great compassion. People I aspire to be like. I am truly glad for the experience – I hope I can make them proud one day as well.

Today was Day 1 of my program’s orientation. It went quite well and I was impressed with the program’s encouraging and positive atmosphere that they put forth. I feel as if I can come to like this year and revamp the way I approach the path to medical school. While I tend to stay realistic, I think it helps to hear from people say that it’s still possible if I really choose to do this. Everyone in the program seems to be willing to help out with one another too – at the very least, it doesn’t feel like it’s constantly a competition.

Loyola’s campus is really small compared to UMich, but I actually feel at home with it. Despite the fewer buildings (and less fancy and well established, ivy-covered walls proclaiming it’s reputation), the campus is pretty inviting. Being on the lake shore helps – I guess hehe. The library and the new Information Commons is beautiful and practically beckons you to bury your nose into the wonderful world of carefree, frolicking ribosomes, mmmm. Well, might as well enjoy the surroundings if my life’s going to be revolving around books all the time.

We had dinner as part of orientation tonight too. My parents thought it was going to be like a hearty steak and potatoes, or at least herb chicken breast type dinner – I don’t know what in the world would make them think that. Apparently we had a nice Mexican type fajita dinner, rice was yummy. So I told them that in medical school, that’s when we’d get the steak and potatoes deal since we’ve moved on to the “business class” rank in the ladder of achieving professionalism – but then again, even pizza would taste better when we have our white coats on… even if we get a little tomato sauce on it.

Tomorrow is Day 2 of orientation. Hope it’s fun because after this Friday, I’ll probably be living with my books.