Running on Empty

I just don’t feel like doing this anymore. I’m tired, I’m upset with myself because I don’t really know what happened along the way. I just couldn’t do it – I can point out where I went wrong so clearly sometimes that it’s just painful. Even if I couldn’t have known this is what would have happened if I hadn’t tried, even if that is the case, I cannot help but wonder if I have just come to regret it all.

In my life, the only thing I have perhaps not run away from is trying to achieve what I envision I could do for others. Maybe I lost sight of the big picture in the end, maybe I lost to myself, maybe I just gave up before I saw the end come into reality. And here I am, unable to forgive myself for going wrong. So many little missteps that add up and in the end, I cannot clear this hurdle nor reach the top of the mountain I had sworn to overtake. My promise to my friend, that I can’t really write about now.. it’s because my promise are empty words. I have broken my promise to him. Most of all, to myself.

It was a test of my ability, of my commitment, my endurance and stamina for what was my dream. I’ve failed this test and though I feel as if given the chance, I could make it… I couldn’t meet the standards even. I couldn’t make it even with everyone’s support, everything given to me, all the advantages.

I have scorned romance in favor of believing I could make up for these sacrifices in my career. Now I have nothing left to show for my sacrifices. It’s so meaningless now.

For some reason, tonight words don’t even describe the sense of loss, of desperation and can’t even find the right words for what I feel these past few days. I’m just running on empty.