I really do love the work of mangakas. Maybe it’s because it seems like such a perfect life in mangas… heh.

But anyways, while I am procrastinating catching up on my manga, I did find some inspiration to keep going and try to finish these secondary essays. This character, Misaki Takahashi’s a university student who’s applying for jobs see, and he’s really not sure about what he wants to do. He’s looking at filling out job applications and he says he can probably respond to any of the questions but then when he finally gets encouragement from other people to refer him to a publishing company, he’s in love with this mangaka’s work and he realizes that it was the one application that he easily filled out.I also feel this way when I read about Dr. Orbinski, and these other books doctors have written about their experience with Medecins Sans Frontieres. I do love their work – and isn’t it what has inspired me to do what I want to do? It’s easy to get caught up in all this mess and stress – but I really should not lose sight of that after all.

And that makes sense to me. If it’s something you really like and you want to do it, then I might as well just fill it out the best I can. I might still not get the position I want but it’s not so bad to try. I should take my own advice – or maybe a friend once told me around this time last year too. Haha, in fact I’ve read it before in a manga too. That you shouldn’t feel bad for being in a fortunate position, so don’t waste it if you have a step up from others. Well I don’t know if I have very many advantages but whatever I have right now, I should just make the best of it.

After this, I have a lot of stuff I want to do still. I’m really impatient to be able to do something other than apply and study. I’ve been taking too much time to do this after all. Now’s the time to do my best.

 

Not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel..

.. to finishing these application essays.

They are endless and I am so tired of answering these questions while I have doubt myself so much. I really have zero confidence in myself. The sad part is, it’s probably for good reason. I tell myself this is the year but all I feel like I’m ever doing is trying to catch up. How come everyone runs so damn fast?

If only life were as simple as applying for a simple mindless job, and stumbling through it getting excited about stupid things. But I didn’t choose that kind of life. Instead here I am, tearing my eyes out and wondering if it’s really ever gonna get anywhere. All I need is to focus – everything I have been working for my whole life has led up to this moment. Whether I can make it … or not I wonder.

You could almost say I’m envious of people who could care less about being so serious about pursuing their life career. Maybe I do take things too seriously. I never let go enough and it’s all because I am certain this is the path I’ve chosen for myself. What else can I give up to make this happen? I’ll give anything to devote my life to something I love, if only I can get there eventually – I can put forth the time, the energy, I can make any sacrifice necessary.

So how come it feels like I’m never doing enough and I’m always running a hundred steps behind?

 

Countdown over, at my wit’s end.

Tried every possible way to solve a problem and can’t find a way – that is the definition of being “at your wit’s end” and that is the definition of me.

I went in there pretty focused but I don’t know what it is about that exam that I just can’t see to win it. It was a little annoying too, taking a test in the city means having test proctors that think everyone’s a cheater. Seriously? I’m stressed enough without people rolling their eyes at me, etc. etc. Anyways, we actually started an hour late because the computers in our room were down – lucky me!

Anyways well that was fun enough. Guess I will retake it again but for this weekend, I should focus and finish at least a couple of secondaries for Monday.

Too depressing – this whole application deal.

 

The night before Doom!

Yeah, I like being dramatic – it’s more fun in life that way. So I’m not going to really bother defending it too much anymore, for better or worse.

This exam stuff is getting to me – and makes me think really unclearly. Bad for me, bad for everyone. So all these years I’ve keep some things to myself in order to maintain a sense of balance – well I basically was fed up with it and spilled my guts last night. How interesting – it’s not a relief nor was is exactly satisfying – probably because I wasn’t planning on it nor did I really finish everything I wanted to say. At any rate, I think we both need a break from this lukewarm kind of thing, where we’re both needling each other but also hard to refrain completely from caring for each other. That kind of is painful to deal with, or if not painful, then just a trailing lukewarmness that will just turn into really bitter, stale black coffee. So it was so stupid of me to just blurt everything out, basically everything I promised myself before not to until the right time came. No, I never listen to my rational mind sometimes. I’m so impulsive at all the wrong times! Well to remedy that. It’s time to move on – maybe it came too early but I guess it was still at a semi-right time? Things should end with a clean cut – maybe there really is mercy in swiftness. So by saying all that. Well then, it is time I shoulder the burden and accept what will be. Telling her like I planned and now – well there really is no difference. So, I’ll just need to convince myself of this and then that will be that.

Alright, back to countdown in the final hours of glory before I go into the Coliseum to be torn to pieces by the cackling test devils.

 

Can I stop procrastinating…

.. before one my life’s biggest exam?

What the hell am I doing thinking about other people’s problems and sticking my nose in them, and filling my head with thoughts that won’t help me on my exam in a day? Can I stop screwing with myself, get a grip and do things properly.

Gah, I annoy myself!

 

No boundaries.

I have a disliking for boundaries – therefore people who create boundaries egotistically I tend not to favor.

Why do I always have a tendency to feel like I have to make a statement about something I read haphazardly sometimes? It’s kind of an annoying quality because it’s not like I do it often enough (nor at the advantageous times) outside of my own cupboard of stale thoughts. Lame me.

So I don’t exactly approve of people who place emphasis on the other way around things. i.e. using phrases like I’m so proud this kind of music is from such and such country. Bah! What does that even mean? I support recognizing where types of music come from, how it’s influenced, how it came to be – that’s intriguing. But when some take it a musician and their work out of context, to use it for promoting the greatness of some society-driven egoist view, boundaries are drawn rather than expanded. Music is not about that – it’s the other way around. It’s about transcending lines of separation and reaching the heart. Whether it’s in a small café, huge outdoor stage to millions, to be able to reach one person is already enough.

 

All I need in life right now ..

.. is to be doing what I love.

Before I get there though, I’ll have to make do with the simpler joys of everyday life.

I realize that I really like maps. I think someday I’m going to take all the maps I’ve collected so far and make something out of them. Maybe a coat, or a suit … or wait! A suitcase – a traveling suitcase that can tell you how to get where you want to be! Wouldn’t that be oh so cool…

I also like X-acto blades – I think I’m a person of precision. Haha. I really like those exact edges and cutting out pictures or papers or making cards that have peepholes in them. I am also infatuated with its use in editing comics. I think cutting out those finished panels to be rearranged in final form is the best ever.

I also like mint a lot. I like it’s color – the color of envy and coolness. I like that the color of envy can be a pretty color. Haha, at least that’s what I like to think since envy is sometimes hard to separate form my thoughts – but I see it more as reverence for something. I don’t ever envy something I don’t hold in high regards besides.

But ah yes, mint is a great thing. Especially in my coffee with soy milk. It’s delicious.

I also enjoy old-fashioned things. Handwritten letters, handwritten notes, datebooks over palm pilot organizers, heck even paper based tests over CBTs.

… enough babbling for one day.