Running on Empty

I just don’t feel like doing this anymore. I’m tired, I’m upset with myself because I don’t really know what happened along the way. I just couldn’t do it – I can point out where I went wrong so clearly sometimes that it’s just painful. Even if I couldn’t have known this is what would have happened if I hadn’t tried, even if that is the case, I cannot help but wonder if I have just come to regret it all.

In my life, the only thing I have perhaps not run away from is trying to achieve what I envision I could do for others. Maybe I lost sight of the big picture in the end, maybe I lost to myself, maybe I just gave up before I saw the end come into reality. And here I am, unable to forgive myself for going wrong. So many little missteps that add up and in the end, I cannot clear this hurdle nor reach the top of the mountain I had sworn to overtake. My promise to my friend, that I can’t really write about now.. it’s because my promise are empty words. I have broken my promise to him. Most of all, to myself.

It was a test of my ability, of my commitment, my endurance and stamina for what was my dream. I’ve failed this test and though I feel as if given the chance, I could make it… I couldn’t meet the standards even. I couldn’t make it even with everyone’s support, everything given to me, all the advantages.

I have scorned romance in favor of believing I could make up for these sacrifices in my career. Now I have nothing left to show for my sacrifices. It’s so meaningless now.

For some reason, tonight words don’t even describe the sense of loss, of desperation and can’t even find the right words for what I feel these past few days. I’m just running on empty.

 

The thing about…

being an only child is you learn to cry alone and wipe off your own tears and snot.You don’t go sobbing to a big brother or complain to your little sister about what she doesn’t have to go through – yet. I think you don’t expect protection and instead you learn to give it. Nobody wants to hear you complain – you suck it up. That’s the mentality that you learn as the only kid. You’re responsible and you take care of your parents because there simply isn’t anyone else to do it. You live and learn to rely on yourself, and it toughens and hardens you. You’re out there flying solo.

Even when you get older, you have that compelling need to take care of people but at the same time, remain independent. When your parents aren’t around, you gotta take care of yourself but there’s always an empty feeling and maybe it’s a human thing. So you somehow try to fill that void by caring for those around you. Your friends become your extended family in a way, well you try at least.

 

I don’t think I’m gonna make it.

This has got to be one of the lowest points in my life. I have a really bad, sinking feeling about tomorrow, about everything. I have a feeling that I’m not going to make the cut. For some of my friends, I am truly happy that they are getting where they want to be. Even if I don’t make it, there are some people in my life that I would wholeheartedly support getting into medical school. I think their character, the way they have worked so hard for devoting their lives to the well-being of others is a great thing. I’ll always remain one of their biggest supporters I feel – no matter what happens. I almost sound like my advisor at Loyola… which maybe that’s a better job for me than doing this medicine thing for myself.

Still I also wish I had that kind of opportunity… I wish I could have walked the path differently.

I don’t really understand it. I knew what I was getting into when I chose to do this… but I guess I never really thought about what I would do if I couldn’t do it. And now that I’m faced with the question… I guess failing was never an option to me. In anything I do, anyone that I care about, I am devoted, loyal, and steadfast. Now I’m not so sure that is a good quality to have.

I’ve lost all confidence in what to do with my life. I need to find direction eventually but right now, I don’t have it in me. I don’t know how to manage failing so many times. I’ve let so many people down and myself then. Everything’s just stagnant in my life and I hate that.

 

 

In & Out

You don’t have to worry
when you step in and out of my life just like that.
By the time I see the cherry blossoms next year
you will have disappeared from my memories
like last year’s snow.

Like crystal my tears are frozen.
Whence we next walk past each other
Will we pass on the crosswalk
Under the cold winter’s snow.
Each lost in our own cold thoughts.

Memories that escape us.
Frozen in time,
The loneliness
That greets me
The barren echoes

On the bare walls,
The home that we once
Called ours.
Shadows on the wall
Once in my delirium,
I dreamt they belonged to you.

When you step in and out of my life.
Just like that.
Just like the innocence
Of the soft snow
Fleeting
And I wish -
I could forget you.

 

Here I am.. at the crossroads of nowhere

So goes my days. When I sleep, I don’t want to wake up. When I’m not sleeping, I’m developing stomach ulcers, drink coffee like it’s a life-saving elixir, doing too much thinking, and trying to stay focused and awake enough to write essays. It’s all I can do to keep my thoughts straight. If you say I shouldn’t worry so much, well it’d be a lie if I didn’t. I worry for us all. I really wish, we could all just go to medical school and be where we want to be in our lives, living the life we choose to live, and just find happiness – even if we have to work hard for it, and there’s moments when the path isn’t clear… one day, will we all be able to find that for ourselves? I really wish… that we can. And if I could do anything to protect that hope and happiness for others, I really want to be there to protect it with everything I have to give.

Leave Me – 3 Min Film

It would be nice if things in life wasn’t so fleeting sometimes. I believe that it is because things are momentary, that time moves us along, that is what makes some moments so precious to us. Beauty and ugliness never lasts forever, it takes its turn at its seasons. Is there a moment you want to always live in? I have too many. I tend to dwell in the past – too much for my own good – I really hate saying goodbyes. I really do. In life, I wish we could always be connected to one another and we should never lose each other. But I find that more and more often, life isn’t kind to that. Natural circumstances, people will drift apart. I think back… I don’t often cry very much anymore. But that night he passed away… I couldn’t really cry either. Until it just suddenly came to me. I don’t know, I think I was crying for a lot of reasons. Maybe I was sad that so many of us… if any one of us that I know should just turn and leave forever, I could never truly part with them. It was because we lost him so quickly … that I know many of us would part and we would never really come across each other’s thoughts anymore. And one day, we could vanish from this world, and people will forget. I don’t want to forget. Maybe it’s also, selfishly,… that I also don’t want to be forgotten. It’s lonely otherwise… that is why in all that I do, I don’t think about it so much because all I want is there to be a warmth… we’re human beings afterall – why can’t we just care about each other? Why do we resist and question each other when it’s so simple? It’s not that I want something back … it’s really enough if I can give a myself to someone else and if they in turn show that kind of kindness to someone they really love – it’s okay that I will be happy with that. I want to do something that would make that person smile – eight years is a long time… I don’t want to lose it – I never did. Yet – if in these eight years I wasn’t able to do it, I don’t think I will be able to.

This is the reason I always do things and act without thinking too much. I just do what my heart tells me to do. In the long run, my impulse to do something and my stubbornness to adhere to what I have decided is unrelenting. And I don’t know if that is a good thing, especially when reality isn’t aligned with my own ideals.

I guess I just feel a little lost right now. I just know I will really cry when I see my exam score. If I sit down and think about it for one moment longer, I just won’t know what to do.

 

How many more times…

… do I have to deal with mid-life crises? Or getting that ever-sinking feeling about the future? I really would like to be free of that. I can do anything I set my mind on – I can work hard for it but worrying about what’s next, what’s ahead – that kind of thinking weighs constantly on me.

I am focused on what I want to do in life, as a career and as a passion I can devote my whole life to. In my personal life, however, I don’t know if I have given much thought – or actually I have but I don’t really allow myself to stray too far into situations that are not realistic. And I grow half-hearted at pursuing it, even if to be honest I am deeply passionate about the people I choose to keep by my side. I guess I just don’t show it enough and I brush it off as nothing. As if I can lose it and not really care.

I find.. that in life, there’s certain people you meet that you just want to protect. I think.. having that is an important part of life. It grounds you and it’s this desire to see the greater picture beyond myself that gives me the greatest happiness. I don’t really need anything else in life if I can I just make someone else smile for me. I am that way with a lot of people, even if my desire to do so never really quite comes across on the surface and somehow the things I do – perhaps it’s my cold outward demeanor – probably don’t reach people in the way I intended.

I really didn’t mean to stress you out, you know. I just don’t know what to do sometimes, with everything, and I don’t know who to turn to.

 

I really do love the work of mangakas. Maybe it’s because it seems like such a perfect life in mangas… heh.

But anyways, while I am procrastinating catching up on my manga, I did find some inspiration to keep going and try to finish these secondary essays. This character, Misaki Takahashi’s a university student who’s applying for jobs see, and he’s really not sure about what he wants to do. He’s looking at filling out job applications and he says he can probably respond to any of the questions but then when he finally gets encouragement from other people to refer him to a publishing company, he’s in love with this mangaka’s work and he realizes that it was the one application that he easily filled out.I also feel this way when I read about Dr. Orbinski, and these other books doctors have written about their experience with Medecins Sans Frontieres. I do love their work – and isn’t it what has inspired me to do what I want to do? It’s easy to get caught up in all this mess and stress – but I really should not lose sight of that after all.

And that makes sense to me. If it’s something you really like and you want to do it, then I might as well just fill it out the best I can. I might still not get the position I want but it’s not so bad to try. I should take my own advice – or maybe a friend once told me around this time last year too. Haha, in fact I’ve read it before in a manga too. That you shouldn’t feel bad for being in a fortunate position, so don’t waste it if you have a step up from others. Well I don’t know if I have very many advantages but whatever I have right now, I should just make the best of it.

After this, I have a lot of stuff I want to do still. I’m really impatient to be able to do something other than apply and study. I’ve been taking too much time to do this after all. Now’s the time to do my best.

 

Not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel..

.. to finishing these application essays.

They are endless and I am so tired of answering these questions while I have doubt myself so much. I really have zero confidence in myself. The sad part is, it’s probably for good reason. I tell myself this is the year but all I feel like I’m ever doing is trying to catch up. How come everyone runs so damn fast?

If only life were as simple as applying for a simple mindless job, and stumbling through it getting excited about stupid things. But I didn’t choose that kind of life. Instead here I am, tearing my eyes out and wondering if it’s really ever gonna get anywhere. All I need is to focus – everything I have been working for my whole life has led up to this moment. Whether I can make it … or not I wonder.

You could almost say I’m envious of people who could care less about being so serious about pursuing their life career. Maybe I do take things too seriously. I never let go enough and it’s all because I am certain this is the path I’ve chosen for myself. What else can I give up to make this happen? I’ll give anything to devote my life to something I love, if only I can get there eventually – I can put forth the time, the energy, I can make any sacrifice necessary.

So how come it feels like I’m never doing enough and I’m always running a hundred steps behind?

 

Countdown over, at my wit’s end.

Tried every possible way to solve a problem and can’t find a way – that is the definition of being “at your wit’s end” and that is the definition of me.

I went in there pretty focused but I don’t know what it is about that exam that I just can’t see to win it. It was a little annoying too, taking a test in the city means having test proctors that think everyone’s a cheater. Seriously? I’m stressed enough without people rolling their eyes at me, etc. etc. Anyways, we actually started an hour late because the computers in our room were down – lucky me!

Anyways well that was fun enough. Guess I will retake it again but for this weekend, I should focus and finish at least a couple of secondaries for Monday.

Too depressing – this whole application deal.